CONTROVERSIAL: preserving my individuality to be a HAPPIER first-time mum
chapters:
what does that mean?
why is it so important to me?
what that looks like to me
controversial choices
The typical narrative surrounding motherhood is that we GIVE-UP EVERYTHING, and sacrifice our wants, needs and desires to put our kids first.
I am NOT saying that kids should not come first, but I also do not agree that you should completely neglect yourself in the process of it all.
Excuse my POSSIBLE naivety, since I am still pregnant and I have never experienced the reality of mothering a child, BUT I like to think there are ways we can put ourselves first as women, whilst STILL fulfilling the child’s needs alongside our mothering roles.
I know this is controversial and people might wonder “why have kids if you are going to not give it your all?”.
Well, this is my version of “ALL”.
If you know my story, then you know the way that this pregnancy came to me was all BUT planned and wanted, but regardless I made my choice to continue the pregnancy and am willing to step-up to the responsibility, but by also making it my own (as my brand and mission to take control of our narrative, and make it our own in the way that WE WISH).
Some may call it selfish, some may say it’s appalling, but I say it’s something you OWE TO YOURSELF.
You owe yourself just as much love as you are pouring out.
This isn’t a post to motivate women to neglect their kids.
This is a post to promote the permission and space for women to find a balance between mothering their child, whilst not forgetting to mother themselves!
In this blog post, I share some choices I am making as a first-time mum to help me (hopefully) preserve my individuality as a woman, outside of my role as a “mother”.
what does that mean?
Let me quickly run-through why I am trying to create space for my own individuality, OUTSIDE of motherhood:
Simply BECAUSE that’s how my life has always been. I have ALWAYS had and created space for individuality.
IN OTHER WORDS, individuality for me is allowing space to have a relationship with myself regardless of all other circumstances and relationships I have going in my life.
Now, I know that having a child is a full-time relationship, and job, but it doesn’t mean I can’t STILL create pockets of time and space to preserve my relationship to myself, and individuality as a woman, as ME.
why is it so important to me?
PRESERVING MY INDIVIDUALITY, as a first-time mum, carries the ultimate PURPOSE of helping me live a happier life throughout motherhood and beyond.
I firmly believe that happiness comes from us, women, feeling a level of fulfilment with our lives.
This fulfilment, I believe, comes from tapping into different sides of our SELF that makes us feel ALIVE.
For example:
spending time with our girls: has us feeling confident, sexy, social, light, fun and dynamic
spending time with our family may have us feeling cradled, supported, and cared for
spending time alone on a solo date, doing things WE enjoy may make us feel excited, energised and recharged
investing some time into our hobbies has us feeling like ourselves again, and relaxed
investing time on our online blogging business has us feeling like a boss woman, like an empowered, driven and ambitious WOMAN.
The truth is all of these facets belong to us, but if we ONLY allow ourselves to reside within the boundaries of motherhood alone, it may be that we never get IN-TOUCH with these sides of our SELF that give us that sense of self-identity.
When we hear about first-time mums, or mums in general, “losing themselves”, it may be because of this isolation away from all the things we ever knew about ourselves.
(Those first newborn stages might be an inevitable phase of feeling lost, but I still want to avoid this as much as possible with certain decisions, and intentions that I can set from NOW).
Now, of course, this depends on whether you can afford to have some time away from baby, whether you have some money to invest in hobbies, and this is a luxury for most!
However, the MINDSET is one that no one can take away from us regardless of circumstances.
It can be harder to SUSTAIN this mindset, with greater scarcity of privilege, but it is not impossible.
So, why is it so important?
Because I believe that our happiness as women is IMPORTANT.
And I feel wholeheartedly passionate about that.
what that looks like to me
I am doing my BEST to set myself up for a positive postpartum and positive motherhood experience!
Preserving my individuality is a CHOICE that I have made to help set myself up for as much “success” as possible / as much strength as possible.
Taking a few seconds to imagine what EXACTLY I would like this experience to look like for me is my way of taking control of the narrative and stepping into the CREATOR seat of my life.
On a deeper level, to me, this looks like:
Watering the connection I have with myself
Finding pockets of time to fill my cup with things that bring me joy, no matter how small
Remembering to tune into the other versions of me, when possible: I am also wifey, I am also daughter, I am also friend, I am also ME
Constantly reminding myself that things can ONLY get easier, to preserve my sanity in who I am
When it comes to everyday life, this can look like:
Finding a few minutes to paint a bit each night, before sleep (for example)
Having a few deep breaths, making my favourite coffee and pouring it into a super cute mug
Having an evening-off to see my bestfriend and do something outside the house
Having some quality time with my partner when baby sleeps
Speaking to loved ones for reassurance of how NORMAL it is to be going through and feeling all that I might be
Going to my parents for a few hours, and just being a daughter
NOW, don’t get me wrong…
WHO KNOWS.
I might end up being absolutely OBSSESSED and over-the-moon with motherhood, and actually feel like it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but even then, I feel like we should never forget to who WE are, and our different roles in life.
That is what will make us feel WHOLE, and feel fulFILLED at the end of the day.
The more fulfilled and looked-after you feel as a woman, the better you show-up to all areas of your life, so at the end of the day, I don’t think it’s never a BAD thing as some may paint it to be.
controversial choices
Now, let’s talk about some controversial choices as a WOMAN, I am making that might shock some people.
Because God-forbid a woman shall have some time-off or a try to live a happier life, even though she’s ALSO a mother.
Let’s start with the potentially most bombastic one…
I am not breastfeeding. I will formula-feed (blog post on this here).
I am planning to have some time-AWAY from baby weekly (after the newborn weeks) for myself, for solo dates, for rest and recharging.
I will prioritise taking baby to places I LIKE to go to, such as aesthetic cafes and bakeries, over soft plays and parks (with occasional exceptions, of course, and will change when they are toddler-age).
I will focus on looking after myself OVER looking after the house and choirs, when baby sleeps.
I will try to ask for help as much as possible, where appropriate; from friends, family, partner. Since, raising a child is best done by a trusted, loving village than a sole person trying to keep their head above water.
NOW GIRLIES, YOU TELL ME IN THE COMMENTS SECTION…
Were these controversial to you?
Are you doing any of the above, or have you done any of the above as a first-time mum?
Spill the beans in the comments! So, we can all exchange our ideas and experiences.
NO judgement, you do YOU!
At the end of the day, the ONLY people living the consequences of our actions are OURSELVES.
The only thing others might do is comment, judge and externalise their opinion, but they are not the ones that will be living your life.
You will be!
So, make it your own.
UNapologetically.
Own your Womanhood. Own your Time.
♡
I’ll be logging updates throughout this whole journey as a mother-to-be, working to be an entrepreneur, but to also still preserve the girlhood within, to try and be her best self, and live her happiest life, so keep-up with me through the blog!
I release a new blog post every Friday at 1pm! (UK-time)
Let me know if you’re in a similar headspace (pregnant or not), being in our 20s is confusing, and taking control of our story is the only way we can take ownership of our happiness and live out our dream life.
I document my unwanted pregnancy journey at 25, taking control of my narrative, figuring out being a girl in my 20s, chasing my dream life, and conquering my boss babe dream of becoming a self-employed, entrepreneur / Blogger!
