unexpected happiness☀️ during my unwanted pregnancy (at 5 months)

chapters:

• happiness how?

• happiness why?

• questioning my reasons

• society’s “motherhood”

• other factors

I think we all know by now that my pregnancy was all BUT wanted, and that's okay.

Unexpected things happen, and it's okay to admit you didn't want, and still currently are not jumping with excitement for this pregnancy.

However, I have had two main moments during my 5 months of pregnancy where I HAD TO SHARE with you all, where I ACTUALLLY felt some glimpse of joy…

This might sound "weird" or "odd” to some, but coming from an originally childfree girlie, this is a LONG WAY from where I started (the complete opposite side of anything related to happy).

happiness how?

Well, to be specific, these moments were during my two scans, where I actually SAW the baby.

Firstly at only around 11 weeks, and then at 5 months (20 weeks), and there was something about SEEING this living being, and knowing they were inside me, that made me emotional.

Like my automatic response was to tear-up, but it wasn't getting emotional over sadness.

I actually felt some level of joy?

I couldn't quite comprehend it.

I knew I didn't feel sad or anything negative.

I just knew I was feeling emotional over some feeling of being content?

By the amount of question marks, you can probably deduce how confused I was at this emotional reaction I was having, that I didn't expect and totally wasn't in control over.

NO BUT SERIOUSLY.

Even when telling loved ones about the gender, for example, (after the 5-month scan) I was just smiling non-stop and feeling this rush of feeling good all inside me.

I had to almost look at myself and adapt, like “oh this is happening?”

Perhaps my expectations were so far away from the reality of ever expecting to feel happiness that I surprised myself, which explained why I felt almost disconnected from this version of myself that I was currently living.

But that was me indeed! Feeling those things and actually smiling...

happiness why?

The emotions just streamed through me, and when I took a second, after-the-math, to reflect on how I felt, I just couldn't even explain "why" to you or even to myself.

I still can't explain or introspect as to why I felt joy, when this was something I never wanted.

"Was it maybe just pregnancy emotions, or was it maybe something innate within me like a survival instinct that makes me feel these things?" is what I questioned myself.

And I am not saying it is IMPOSSIBLE to feel feelings of joy during a pregnancy, but during an unwanted one? Perhaps!

All I do know is that these unexplainable moments gave me hope for a potential future where maybe I might be happy? It set me off in a spiral of what every typical content creator would say or advice that would come your way from a loved one trying to cheer you up:

• Maybe I might have a life where I am happier than the life I DID PLAN for myself

• Maybe this is a path that sets me to a level of fulfilment that exceeds anything I could have never imagined; a life of achieving my dreams, plus extra love from this extra family member that is soon-to-be-born

• Maybe I might have more moments of joy in-store that I am also not expecting

A lot of maybe's, and honestly, only God knows what's in-store for me, as with all of us.

Even though I still remain uncertain as to what the future holds, with a path I had never planned for myself, or WANTED, I feel slightly more alleviated that some form of positivity has entered my unwanted pregnancy journey.

Even if it took 5 months, I had no expectation at all of this even happening.

Simply going with the flow, doing my best along the way to rewire my brain to not self-limit or restrict myself to the mental boundaries I associated to becoming a mother, and trusting God in his plan for me.

questioning my reasons

Now that I have shared, what felt like such a REVELATION, to myself as an experience, I have to share another realisation I had after this.

Feeling joy in these moments had me questioning EVERYTHING as you can see, and even though I couldn't seem to answer "why I felt happy?" it got me questioning about happiness and motherhood, in general!

You can probably tell I self-reflect quite a lot, right? Well I'm all about being my bestest self, it's just within me, and it just comes naturally!

Like "what actually IS the thing that makes me think that motherhood and happiness cannot go together for me?"

I still can't tell you I have a concrete answer on this one, but it got me thinking and it might be an accumulation of life experiences that have had made me more resistant and AGAINST having kids more because of MOTHERHOOD itself (and all its associations in society) rather than having the bond and relationship with the baby themselves.

It is still completely valid to feel this resistance and opposition to having children because of this, even now, since society definitely portrays that once you have a baby, your whole entire being BECOMES motherhood.

But if this is actually one of the MAIN reasons why having a baby was something I never wanted, then perhaps it isn't as bad as what it seems?

Let me break it down further, as to what was going on in my mind:

• If motherhood and its associations, as you know it, are the main reasons for not wanting children, then weight is removed off the actual nature of having this new relationship / having the baby

• Having a baby and having that relationship MIGHT actually be amazing in itself

• So, if this is the case to some level, motherhood and its associations are something that are more WITHIN OUR CONTROL to take ownership over

Sense a theme here?

I'm all about taking control of my own narrative, even if things don't go quite as planned. I'm here to achieve my dreams REGARDLESS, and not JUST be a mum, but be a woman who is ALSO mum.

Therefore, when I look at the whole concept of having a baby, it feels a bit less daunting and not so bad...

If the main reason I didn't want children is something I can control then maybe I might like it more than I think?

This journey has, without a doubt, forced me to really dig deep into my emotions, fears and subconscious stereotypes around motherhood, which isn't something I would have WILLINGLY done but understanding myself in this whole process is the only way to go for me; having a chance of taking ownership over how I respond to such an unplanned life occurrence.

As a result, it has come with its own "magic" of really unravelling all the layers I had, forming the set opinions I had for years into my 20s (5 or so).

Feeling these emotions set me on a spiral of questioning that led me to a slight, but pivotal, perspective shift:

• Motherhood is something I need to take ownership of in my own way

and

• Having a baby, and having that new type of relationship, might actually not be so bad

I'm still not jumping in the air with excitement (I'd be even more SHOCKED if I was) and I still think the whole sleep deprivation, excruciating crying, and other motherhood duties will be very terrifying and not fun, but it's a glimmer of hope in the chaos that has been most of my 5 months of pregnancy.

society's "motherhood"

From feeling moments of joy, to attempted introspection, to spiraling questions as to the bigger picture of motherhood; I wanted to touch on in-what EXACTLY I believe society has painted such an "unattractive" picture of motherhood for me.

Maybe this might resonate with you, and if you are in the same circumstances as me, or if you are childfree, you might want to consider these points! Not to say you should change your mind and HAVE kids, no NOT AT ALL! (I'm not there yet whatsoever).

But it could be an interesting reflection for your own self-discovery, if you will.

Some of the never-ending ways:

• 1. Unrealistic pressures: the mother usually taking on ALL the burden of parenthood; school-runs, house choirs, diaper changing, night wake-ups, homework duties

I know things are changing, and this depends on your relationship dynamic with your partner too, but society still paints that expectation that women are the main caregivers of it all, which is A LOT of pressure and weight.

Even to the way parental leave is designed (mothers having 12 months - in the UK - vs dads having half or even just 2 weeks!).

I know, to some, it's great because time-off your 9-to-5, which I agree, it's great BUT when you look at it ONLY in that way. But when everything falls on you to look after the baby, which you have never done before, it becomes very overwhelming.

• 2. Mental health vulnerability: so much talks on postpartum depression and anxiety

I am here to support awareness of such causes so we can support eachother as women, and humans!

However, hearing so much about the risk of postpartum depression and anxiety, really makes motherhood not look that fun or rewarding.

Like it has always made me wonder, "this is something you WANT and consciously CHOSE to have, knowing it could depress you more than anything else?"

No judgement, but more in the way of not understanding WHY women would want kids; when there is such frequency of these.

Of course, if that is just a fact then okay, but not EVERY woman has this experience with motherhood and postpartum. Some women actually have positive postpartum experiences.

Maybe it's at a minority, which I understand, but there should be more encouragement around support to women during this time rather than societal focus on the negative without much action involved to make women's experience of motherhood a more pleasant one.

• 3. Self-identity: being NOTHING ELSE other than a mother

It's like when you become a mother, you become it ENTIRELY.

You no longer are YOU. You are just motherhood, and nothing else.

This gave me the biggest ICK ever.

I refuse to ONLY be a mother.

We are women, and multi-faceted ones in-fact.

We have dreams, and wants, and desires, that do not reside within the narrow walls of motherhood.

This was something that tremendously shook me.

Society paints the picture by judging women who prioritise themselves, rather than their kids.

Motherhood does not have to be sacrificial in its entirety.

Yes, I'm sure there are things you give-up when becoming a mother, like the freedom to do whatever whenever, for example. But it SHOULD NOT mean you give-up your entire being, identity and drive in life because you now have a baby.

I think it should be more about seeing how you can accommodate BOTH being a mother AND living the life of your dreams, outside of this role. This is what I mean by taking control of motherhood and the narrative we want it to be for ourselves (as I mentioned earlier)!

That might be why there is so much commotion around women losing themselves, because they might just be feeling trapped within the walls society has confided them in, with their lens of what you should be doing and who you should be acting as.

• 4. Attractiveness: women being typically seen as less attractive once they become mothers

I don't know how on earth this ridiculous idea ever came about (and who knows, maybe it's just me who has this perception from the societal view) but it seems reinforced in movies, TV shows, social media, EVERYWHERE!!

Seeing a gorgeous woman, who is ALSO a mum, feels shocking and rare.

But why?

Yes, their time for self-care and investing into their appearance might become more scarce depending on their experience of mothering, but the woman is still the same gorgeous woman she was and still is!

It's as if once you become a mum, you're expected to dress-up "like a mum", and no longer have a taste for your previous style sense, and no longer want to dress up stylishly or look aesthetic.

I'm now seeing more women on social media show how their fashion content, and other facts of themselves, ALONGSIDE being a mother, which I love to see!

But I definitely feel as if this is still a predominant narrative that gets sold to us by society.

And I'm just not for it.

...

The list can go on and on, but just a few points that scratch the surface as to why motherhood and its associations, societally, really made so opposed to having children.

However, to all of the above, we can fight back by creating our own versions of what motherhood can be and who we can be in the process as multi-faceted, beautiful women.

Taking control of our narrative is the way to living our most empowered and dreamiest best selves, motherhood or not.

other factors

I do have to admit society isn't the only factor at-play with motherhood and its associations, that have made me far-from ever wanting children.

Other factors include:

• experience the stress of mothers around me first-hand

• hearing comments, growing up, revolving the "lifelong stress" being a mother is

• witnessing women be unhappy in their roles of motherhood

• seeing the discrepancy in happiness among women vs men, in parenthood

• seeing how much of a physical toll pregnancy, and children, have on women

• the unrealistic standards women generally have imposed on them, which would apply to motherhood also

Apart from the world, societal and learned or observed experiences, there are obvious reasons that I still stand for against motherhood, but that are OUT of my control (or mostly):

• freedom: going out spontaneously whenever for whatever, spontaneous plans

• independence: only looking after myself

However, everything comes with a trade-off and all I know is I'm way further ahead in the progress of how I am managing my unwanted pregnancy journey, than I ever thought I would be so soon.

Perhaps this might serve as inspiration for anyone else going through it, like me, but regardless I want to ultimately give you a transparent look into how my specific experience is going as a childfree girlie who decided to continue with her unwanted pregnancy.

Where there's strength, there's hope!

And I'm pouring you all as much love and strength as possible, in whichever path you are on!

Own your Womanhood. Own your Time.

♡

I’ll be logging updates throughout this whole journey as a mother-to-be, working to be an entrepreneur, but to also still preserve the girlhood within, to try and be her best self, and live her happiest life, so keep-up with me through the blog!

I release a new blog post every Friday at 1pm! (UK-time)

Let me know if you’re in a similar headspace (pregnant or not), being in our 20s is confusing, and taking control of our story is the only way we can take ownership of our happiness and live out our dream life.

I document my unwanted pregnancy journey at 25, taking control of my narrative, figuring out being a girl in my 20s, chasing my dream life, and conquering my boss babe dream of becoming a self-employed, entrepreneur / Blogger!