getting over a break-up as a mum 101
SO, if you have seen my last blog post, I am now a single mum.
Never did I think I would be, but here we are.
Now, if there is one thing I am certain of, is that I feel pretty confident that I know what LOGICAL steps to take in order to make progress through a breakup.
This time, it is slightly different, since I am doing it whilst raising a human; a gorgeous baby I am lucky to call my own.
Now, with that, does pose some obstacles perhaps in the way we get to process or work through our break-up emotions, in a way that doesn’t overflow into our child and overshadow every interaction we have with them.
To not mention, the fact that your emotions, post-break-up, might be even more HEIGHTENED, depending on how the situation is being deal with with your baby.
However, I have to say…
My baby makes me so happy, and so proud to be his mum, that it actually feels EASIER, dare I say.
This is my second break-up, at my 26 years of age, and they are both from long-term relationships.
And if there is ONE THING I learnt, getting through a tough break-up is that the best way to get over it, it’s to:
GO THROUGH IT.
By this, I mean, don’t avoid it, and don’t run away from it.
Sit in the discomfort.
Sit in the strangeness of no longer being in a life you imagined, and idealised.
Sit with yourself, and with all the raw emotions you have stirring up inside of you.
The sooner you do that, the sooner you get through this storm that is a break-up,
Now,
With a baby, things are not so simple, when it comes to “sitting” with all of the above.
Ofcourse, there is not much “sitting”, since there is a lot of feeding, changing nappies, giving love and affection, running errands (like baby shopping, vaccines, and so on), and generally doing things in your daily life, and home.
HOWEVER…
There are moments.
Moments where baby is napping.
Moments where baby is sleeping.
Or maybe moments where baby is just entertained playing with their toys, or sat watching you do chores, or people-watching as you go on your pram walk together.
And in those moments, you need to ALLOW yourself to feel, to regulate, and process what you are going through.
This sounds painful to some, but to be honest, going through this process actually allows you to be less BLINDED by all the beauty you saw in your relationship, and allows you to actually start seeing what wasn’t so great, or what you weren’t so happy with, or what needs were not getting met.
9/10 times you will be better-off as you are right now, and even better-off (I’d like to argue), you just need some time to see it!
And, the other 1/10 times, perhaps you both just need some time to reunite in a future that still looks to bring you both together.
But that’s not what I am here for.
I am here to tell you how to GET OVER your break-up, as a mum, by getting THROUGH your break-up.
And by that, it comes with these “moments”, and even CREATING these moments.
Instead of being home with baby, go on that pram walk and take yourself into nature, where you can also switch-off from being mum as actively since you’re both just taking-in the sights together.
Making use of these moments, PLUS the 2 following ways, are really my personal recipe for making getting over a break-up much easier, EVEN as a mum:
Emotions and connection
New experiences
More practically speaking, emotions and connection means:
Letting yourself feel your emotions, and seeking support through connecting with loved ones.
This could be your bestfriend, your family, whoever loves you and wants what’s best for you.
They will often help you see your worth when you aren’t really thinking properly, or as able to see how much you REALLY deserve.
And “letting yourself feel” goes without saying since we all know that suppressing what we feel or finding temporary fixes will only hit us later and stronger!
Now, doing this as a mum, might feel impossible either from lack of time or maybe lack of willpower to leave the house after a day of solo parenting. Don’t worry, I GOT YOU:
pick-up the phone and have a quick call with someone you love
(if you’re not a caller) a short message exchange where you can have a casual chat about how you feel or how things are going
online therapy (haven’t tried this, but I guess it might be easier for some people to speak to someone who don’t know them)
praying to God (God has always got you, and if you are a single mum, it’s because you were mean’t for better)
invite your girlfriend over, even if you have no energy, just tell them you just need some company in the house besides baby
As you can see, these are very low-maintenance and high-impact ways of still getting you to do the exact same thing as a girlie who is not a mum.
It’s all about simply finding a way that works with how your life is.
Now, onto the next, new experiences is simply about:
Seeking new experiences so you can rewire your brain to create a new (happier!) reality for yourself, and give you dopamine (lots of it)!!!
I can’t tell you HOW IMPORTANT this one is, on top of the emotional inner work!
So often, after a break-up it is easy to get stuck in the things you used to do with the person, the paths you used to walk together, that it can feel like you are physically trapped in that phase of your life.
BUT THAT IS NOT THE WAY FORWARD.
The way FORWARD: is to seek novelty, go do something that you have been wanting to do for ages, something new, something by yourself, or with someone else, and let yourself feel all the nerves and excitement of it all.
I can promise you, you are VERY LIKELY to almost forget thinking about the break-up you are in, and simple be PRESENT in the current moment you are in.
Placing ourselves in new environments, doing new things, or simply doing similar things but DIFFERENTLY can make such a huge difference into stimulating us so much that we are forced to be in the present, and that’s what we want.
We also just end-up feeling such a huge sense of accomplishment, and pride in ourselves.
This gives us the ultimate confidence boost we need to keep moving forward, and keep levelling-UP!!
For example, some examples for me would be wanting to:
explore a specific street food market I have been wanting to go for a while for their famous thick, sourdough bread toasties
go to a pilates class for the first time!
go to a cinema with my baby- I discovered there’s a “baby’s club” at a local cinema which sounds quite awesome!
As you can see, it can be done with or without baby, depending on your village, but it can always be done.
I would go even a step further and get me a whole Pinterest board for this new era of yours.
I always done so for myself, and I put a bunch of exciting, aesthetic, and inspirational images of how much happier, healthier and better my life and self can look as a mum, as a woman, as a daughter, as an entrepreneur, as a believer, and beyond!
I hope you can see how going through this post, is a way in which I have been able to navigate you into a more enlightened path of hope for your girlies going through a break-up, specially as a mum!
It can always get done, you just need a little nudge in the right direction and make it work for yourself!
LOTS OF LOVE XO
